(This is a speech I
gave as a part of my Toastmasters International Speech Projects – under the
category “Humorusly Speaking” to complete my Advance Communicator Bronze
module. After seeing a good response from various clubs where I repeated this
speech, I thought I would publish the script for all my friends to enjoy and
comment. I hope my objective is justified)
I stood up from my chair and recited “My name is Guruprasad.
I am going to Dubai. My wife is working there on a project. I am going to stay
there for a month. My wife will be taking care of my expenses. Thank you Sir” (breathe...breathe...!)
Baffled by my uttering that gentleman said, “Sir, I am an
Indian Airlines staff searching for my missing Colombo passenger! But why are
you telling me all this history?”
Dear friends, welcome to Arignar Anna International Airport,
Chennai, as I am about to begin my first international journey to Dubai. The reasons
well explained in the beginning this article. Let us go back in time a little
bit and see.
The moment
my wife landed in Dubai, she started the process of getting me over there,
while I was happily celebrating “ஹேய்! எம் பொண்டாட்டி ஊருக்கு போயிட்டா....ஆ...ஆ...!” As the
first activity, she sent me a mile l....o...o..ng document by fax called visa
which had so much of incomprehensible words printed in Arabic expect the word
GURUPRASAD PADMANBHAN.
Then a friend of mine told me he would help me in a getting a
flight ticket at a good discount. Yes friends, in those days you can bargain
your ticket fare with agents! Imagine getting into 12B and asking for one
ticket to Luz Corner, the conductor says “7 rupees”. Asking him “How about 5
rupees dude?” The typical reply would be “ஊட்லே சொல்லிகினு வந்திட்டியா?” (typical interpretation
would be ‘have you informed your family about what your fate is going to be
now?’) But in air travel this is possible.
Later, I was handed over
with a 10 page booklet called Flight Ticket. First 8 pages containing so many
information about air travel safety, lost luggage, international rules, blah,
blah, blah....I read through the entire booklet carefully word by word. Last
two pages contained some hand scribble code words like MAA, DXB 1330 1640 and
so many other jargons and a name PADMANABHAN MR. How come they have issued a
ticket to my father, who had already obtained his ticket decades ago? Then I
understood a concept called lastname,
at last. We tamils, have a problem because of not practising this last name
culture.
Soon I went on purchasing a
big suitcase.....no ...no...it shall be called as a “check-in” baggage and
settled with another airbag given as a compliment by our local Ganapathy
Maligai (for having purchased to a prescribed amount in 6 months) which shall be called as “cabin baggage” All
dress material, some snacks, articles, packed and ready. Became an Archimedes
and confirmed the weight of my check-in baggage. (Stood bare bodied on the
bathroom scale, noted down the weight(A) then climbed again with the baggage,
noted down(B). SO my luggage weight is B-A! This is what we called as an
Engineering mind!)
Some of my
friends, who had already travelled international, had advised us – “Guru...it
is always better to go to the airport well in advance for international travel.
Otherwise you may lose your flight. So, to catch a flight at 1.45 pm my mom dutifully
woke me up at 4.30 a.m. “Guru...you are getting late. Better get ready fast!”
I remember a
rhyme uttered by my fellow toastmaster in one of her speeches.
“Get up in the morning, brush your teeth,
Wash your body, shave your dhadi (beard)” - I
am ready!
7.45 am I am
up and ready...fresh like a flower! My mother gave me a breakfast of 2 idlies
and half tumbler of coffee. “Guru...anyway you are going to be fed in the
flight. So better eat lite now. Otherwise you might get stomach trouble while
climbing up the sky.”
Stripes Vibhuthi,
kumkum, sandal paste were adorned on my forehead like zebra crossing. I
prostrated before all elders - anything and everything that was born a few
moment before me. Then I left my home. The only international passenger in Chennai
to ever reach the airport by catching an electric train from Nungambakkam
station to Trisulam Airport Station, that too hitch hiking in my friend’s
scooter to the station.
Got down at
Trisulam station, walked half the way to Dubai – station entrance to airport,
carrying my two baggages (passport / ticket / cash in another pouch – “careful
with your papers, Guru!”) We had no strollers in those days, you always carried your cases. By the time I
reached the airport, my two idlies and coffee had sublimated in the thin air! I
was feeling terribly hungry.
I entered an
empty looking lounge. A policeman, looking at me suspiciously as if I had come
with two bagful of bombs, stopped me and asked,
“Who are
you?” “My name is Guruprasad”
“Where are
you going?” “I am going to Dubai”
“Why are you
going there?” “My wife is working there
on a project”
“How long
you will stay there?” “I am going to stay there for a month”
“How will
you manage your expenses?” “My wife will
be taking care of my expenses”
“Hmm..” he
gave me a ‘avanaa neeyi!’ look and said “Go!”
I said “Thank you Sir”
Thus began
my series of answers that you were reading with surprise in the beginning of
this article. To be repeated many a times.
I went
inside and stood before a big board. It had so much f information I could not
comprehend easily. Things like EK, IA, FAA, ABC, XYZ and timings 1240, 1460,
3456, 7890 with information ranging from “Scheduled, arrived, boarded, hijacked,
bombed, crashed” ! All except my flight AI
901. I looked up and down many times but could not see my flight. Was it
yesterday or is it tomorrow? On seeing
pathetic look, a guy approached and asked me if I have a problem. I explained.
He
sarcastically looked at me and said, “Air India to Dubai? That is at 1.30 pm.
It is just 9 am now. You will get announcement only at around 11.30 am. Go and
wait there”
I waited,
waited and waited. My entire large intestine had gone inside the smaller one
out of hunger. Atlast, my flight was called for I “cheked-in” my suitcase and
moved forward to immigration, “What is you name? Where are you going?” I am
ready for this! Repeat...repeat!
Then to
customs...they normally don’t question you onward. But to me...they did! Repeat
repeat. Then came
the security check.....I was massaged all over my body along with an electronic
device and then sent inside the boarding lounge!
I got the
feeling being in the gulf already. The boarding lounge was totally “desert”ed
except for me! No
passengers, shops except for a water dispenser. I somehow satisfied my stomach
with cups of water. Wait...wait....wait.
Finally my flight arrived and just
moments before boarding a guy came and opened his coffee shop. I burnt him with
my eyes and boarded my flight. I was guided to my funny looking seat no. 21E.
It was one seat next o aisle. (I use to pronounce it as “aisel” in those days!)
I clipped my
seat belt, tightened it to the core and happily consumed the one chocolate
given to me. Then two pretty looking women (we had only Air India in those days
and we had to believe them to be pretty looking!) came nearer to me and to my
horror, started explaining to me all the ways the flight could crash and the
precautions I need to take for survival. What a way to start my journey, eh?
Then
somehow, the flight took off. I gripped my seat with anxiety and tension. I
realised what is sin it is to be a mechanical engineer! I could misinterpret
all those noised coming beneath me (“chuin....souin....chuk....tuk...”) as the
components of the aircraft falling down one after the other and I was sure that
we are going to crash. But nothing
happened. Everybody except me was comfortable. Ignorance is bliss!
After sometime, the coffee started making its magic inside my stomach and I wanted to use the toilet. It was in the rear portion of the flight. To my horror, lot of people were standing there .Those days, passengers were allowed to smoke in the backside. What is go there and the aircraft loses its balance and starts climbing upwards? So controlling myself for sometime I waited for somebody to get back to their seats. It happened after a long gap. Then I went inside the toilet, used it and pressed a button marked as “Flush”. Thats all! I was quite sure that the plane had crashed. There was a huge noise, “Hush..shsh..sh..tup”
I was
shocked, gripped a handle not knowing what to do next. I could not run out
since I was half naked! Slowly I dressed and praying to al Gods that I know, I
cracked open the toilet and peeked outside. Everything was calm and quiet!
People were just relaxing watching the TV. Only very lately I was told that the
toilets in the aircracft do not use water to flush but air! Oops, what a
horrible experience. I returned to my seat and continued my journey without
talking to anybody. Just closing my eyes and praying.
Somehow we
landed in Dubai, swam through the immigration crowd, collected my luggage and
met my Darling Wife waiting at the gates...all my moments of horror flying away!
I remembered an Ilayarajaa’s song from the movie “Nadodi Thendral”
“Flying
high...in the blue sky
Flying
high..just you and I
Let us
fly...with lo..o...ove!”
(except in an
aircraft)
Thank you!
